Killdozer - Yow!

(Touch and Go, 1989)

Criticizing a single that has the best song from the best Killdozer album on one side, a superb Janet Jackson cover on the other, and label-chum David Yow on the sleeve is a total no-can-do; this is prime sleaze-grunge, heavy, scummy, and smart. “Lupus” adds horns to the band’s slow, crushing attack, and stars an especially animated Michael Gerald, who weaves summaries of the works of Flannery O’Connor around a genius chorus: “Lupus took the life of Flannery O’Connor / She wrote many books before death came upon her.” Ha! Funny rhyme, true biographical tidbit! The Jackson song, “Nasty,” tops most of what’s on For Ladies Only (where it wouldn’t have fit, thematically, due to those tracks coming from the late ’60s and early-/mid-’70s), thanks to a mostly-synthetic backing and a low, creepy vocal delivery. When Gerald finally breaks the slinky tension and lets loose with his standard growl-yell on the lines “I’m not a prude / I just want some respect,” that’s about as close as you’re gonna get to pure audio gold, mister. So pencil this one in at the top of your handy “to-get” list, and then go ahead and add the parent LP, Twelve Point Buck (which includes “Lupus,” but not “Nasty”) right under that – I’ll stack side one of that album up against that of almost any other record in terms of sheer perfection.

Killdozer - For Ladies Only

(Touch and Go, 1989)

Killdozer had a habit of slapping funny, unpredictable li’l covers here and there on their records, taking familiar hits of the past and, well, turning them into Killdozer songs – which more or less meant sludging ’em up with tons of bass and distortion while Michael Gerald lumbered his way through the lyrics in his Gene-Simmons-as-angry-drunk growl. Anyway, having already pulled this trick prior to ’89 with material by Creedence Clearwater Revival, Neil Young, and Neil Diamond, it probably wasn’t too shocking that the band decided to go ahead and record a full LP’s worth of ugly – yet faithful! – covers. Touch and Go went all out, releasing For Ladies Only in a few different configurations (CD, LP, picture disc LP, and 5x7”), and if you’re of the money-spending persuasion, it’s the fancy 7” set that you’re gonna want to possess, both for its unicorn-themed packaging and the presence of a bonus song included nowhere else. That’s right: not only do you get to hear world-famous standards by the likes of Deep Purple, Bad Company, Elvis Presley, Conway Twitty, Coven, Steve Miller Band, Don McLean, and James Gang as interpreted by beloved Milwaukee hitmakers Killdozer, but you ALSO get their spin on a Buffalo Springfield song AT NO EXTRA COST. And how is this exclusive performance of “Mr. Soul”? Does it live up to the rumbling, beer-addled heaviness of the rest of the collection? I wouldn’t know. The used copy I bought of this rare item was MISSING THE DISC WITH “MR. SOUL” ON IT. So who wants to send me a freebie?

Thanks!

While you prepare to mail me your personal copies of For Ladies Only, I’ll leave you now by reprinting the mini-bio (also exclusive to the 7”s!) that Steve Albini wrote for the band, what with it being a real super-hoot and all:

Killdozer may be a new name on the pop scene, but with their smart looks, peppy “now” beat and penny-perfect vocal stylings, that’ll change soon enough. Killdozer have the exciting sound of today, and on this, their first Dynagroove long playing album, they play their driving beat with a twist: Unicorns.

That’s right, Unicorns. With Unicorns behind them, it won’t be long before people all over the globe are saying, “Killdozer? Fuck me, they’re okay.”

Now lets meet these exciting young men, the spearheads of the hottest new sound on the scene.

MICHAEL, who sings and plays guitar for the band, began his performing career early in life, when he joined his mother, a talented musician and entertainer herself, in an onstage rendition of “Tits Ain’t A Big Enough Word For These, Luv.”

“Mister Romance” (as Michael is known to his admirers around the world) is also a well-traveled, highly educated intellectual whose hobbies include lathework and cat polishing.

As for Unicorns, he likes them. “Yeah, I guess so,” he says.

BILL, who sings and plays guitar for the band, has been on the pop scene for a few years. Folks in the know recognize Bill playing the driving guitar on chart-toppers like “My Generation” and “Flying Purple People Eater.”

“Bill” (as Bill is known to his friends) is, like Jesus was, a carpenter, who would be better off learning a respectable trade like dopin’ and pimpin’.

Bill thinks Unicorns are alright. “Unicorns? They’re alright,” he says.

DAN, who sings and plays guitar for the band, enjoys himself the old fashioned way: by drinking himself completely stupid and smashing up the trailer every night.

“The Thinker” (as Dan is known to people who want to make him feel bad) has pen pals of both genders and a collection of different colored feathers. Some with no blood on them.

What does Dan think of Unicorns? They’re tops! “But not that fucking goat I saw at the freak house. That was a fake,” he says.

Butthole Surfers - Texas Chainsaw Massacre

(???, 198?)

This is a mysterious record. In 1989, Killdozer released a 5x7” version of their For Ladies Only album on Touch & Go, catalog number TG-39. Attractive not only for its extravagant (and funny) packaging, that set is worth finding because it has an extra song – “Mr. Soul” – that doesn’t show up on the LP or CD. The 7” in question here was advertised on eBay last fall as a test pressing of one of the 45s from that edition, and I purchased it, hoping it’d be the disc with the bonus track. If it turned out to be one of the other discs, well, I’d just have a nifty Killdozer collectable and wouldn’t be too sad about that. It all seemed reasonable enough: First, the guy was selling many other Touch & Go test pressings from the same era. Second, it had the appearance of a legitimate test pressing – generic pressing-plant label (Electrosound Group) with a catalog number (TG-39) handwritten on it. So imagine my bafflement when I put this record on my turntable and had my ears caressed not by the sweet sounds of Killdozer but by the noisome nastiness of the Butthole Surfers. Whaaaa?!

Putting on my Sherlock cap, I did some research and eventually learned that the music on this was identical to the well-known “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” bootleg 45, meaning live versions of “Cherub” and “Come Together” from 1986 and 1985, respectively (thanks, internet!). Still, why the test labels and the Touch & Go catalog number? I suppose there are three possibilities here. (1) Touch & Go intended to release a live Butthole Surfers 7” as TG-39 but scrapped it after the test-press phase for some reason and reassigned the catalog number to For Ladies Only. (2) This is a test pressing for the bootleg, and the bootleggers chose the “TG” prefix as a joke. (3) Some copies of the actual bootleg look like this and I just bought a sleeveless one... although every copy I’ve seen has featured plain green labels. Does anyone have any info for me? Touch & Go ignored my polite inquiry, so here I sit, all a-blubber, dying to know the Truth. Won’t you help?

The music itself, I’m afraid, isn’t as interesting as the mystery (and, uh, is the mystery itself all that interesting??). “Cherub” is a fairly limp performance, hampered further by a lousy recording that flattens the drums and bass into a shapeless mass of low-end that dominates the track. Gibby is singing through the megaphone and doesn’t sound particularly engaged, nor does his voice blend well with the band’s playing. The whole thing’s sloppy, and not in an entertaining or exciting way. Zzzz. The snares do crunch more on “Come Together,” which sticks pretty close to the Beatles’ original when it isn’t blasting off into frantic bursts of guitar squall, but still… the ultimate impression this record leaves, even in its best moments, is, “Huh, guess I hadta be there.”

Brainiac - Internationale

(Touch & Go, 1995)

Time for bitterness! Piece of shit trust-fund junkie named Jeff who I used to know in New Haven considered these guys his all-time faves. I’ll be fair here, even though that should be three strikes right there (hope those trackmarks are gangrenous by now, Jeff!). “Go Freaks Go” is mathy electro screech, flirts with being dancetastic but never gets there… dudes are paving the way stylistically for !!!, I suppose, just with less funk (in the drums for sure) and less instrumental finesse. It’s all about tension rather than release with Brainiac, and it’s hard to buy the action they’re selling; never BLOWS UP like it oughta, and there’s the nagging sense that you could give any group of bored hardcore kids a synth and eventually hear them churn out something of equal/greater merit. The B is a wavery, watery, percussion-less piece called “Silver Iodine” that simply floats past without distinguishing itself beyond its effects-pedal navelgaze. Much like spinoff group Enon, Brainiac has measure-long flashes of genius but never delivers on its own promise in the long run. Shrug shrug shrug and a-rooty-toot-toot.

Big Black - Il Duce

(Touch and Go, 1992)

I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life – eight of them, I believe – and none were as embarrassing as my not realizing that single was first released in 1985, meaning I should have reviewed it before the other two Big Black records. Where was Wikipedia when I needed it most? I dunno, but I DO know it was there when I needed it to accurately diagnose my excruciating foot ailment. “Plantar fasciitis,” it said a week ago, and “Plantar fasciitis,” a podiatrist confirmed this morning. And this doctor wasn’t excited about listening to me or examining me, but he WAS excited to shoot a bunch of cortisone into my foot with a big ol’ needle. You fixed me but good, doc, and I even did a little lunchtime jig on my drugged-up hoof. Which brings us right back to Big Black, because this single of theirs is dedicated to Benito Mussolini, who I hear was – ready for this one? – a real HEEL. Haw! Oh man, it was worth it, the whole set up was worth it! Just like this 7” is worth whatever you pay for it: it’s AOK! Meaty drum machine (that thing ALWAYS sounded fantastic and brutal); distorted guitar splinters that move through and around each other in interesting melodies; effects-laden Li’l Satan vocals; that black sense of humor (“I am Benito/And I like my job”)…it’s all here. “Il Duce” is grinding menace while “Big Money” goes for a faster sort of white-knuckled nervousness, but both get the job done with impressive economy, pummeling you for about two minutes before stopping dead. As solid a representation of Big Black as you’re gonna find – and the A-side isn’t widely available otherwise – so why not pony up?

Big Black - He's A Whore

(Touch and Go, 1987)

It’s covers aplenty (two) on each and every side (two) of this single. Squealing shards o’ guitar over that piledriving rhythmic chunka-chunka turns Cheap Trick’s “He’s a Whore” into something a whole lot uglier than it usedta be AND GOOD GRAVY STEVE ALBINI DRESSED AS ROBIN ZANDER IS A DEAD RINGER FOR DAVID LEE ROTH. Yikes! Wow! WEIRD! All right, I’ve calmed down. EXCEPT WAIT THAT GUY ON THE LEFT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE MY HIGH SCHOOL CHEMISTRY LABMATE WHO LATER GOT THROWN IN THE CLINK FOR TRYING TO TAKE AN UNDERAGED BOY OVER STATE LINES!! SHEESH! OK. OK. OK. I think I’m done now. I am. So: “The Model” gets the distorto-fuzz treatment on the B, and the looser, noisier approach brings out the lyrics’ near-contempt for the vapid subject – something that is rather lost in Kraftwerk’s icy original. This is a gimmicky disc in both content and wrapper, sure, but an entertaining enough detour into tributetown to earn a salute from these quarters.

Big Black - Heartbeat

(Touch and Go, 1987)

I saw the Big Black reunion show in Chicago a few years ago, and I remember two things, one general and one specific. General memory: The music was totally intense and tightly-wound. Specific memory: Some guy yelled, “Albini, you’re a fuckin’ fag!,” really, really loudly. Anyway, it was all exciting enough to light a fire under my wallet and get me to finally buy up the entire discography as quickly as I could. Good thing, too, cuz these discs are a swift kick to every buttock that encounters ’em, each one a nasty little addition to your record heap. Take this single, for example, which rocks its shit in three distinct ways. “Heartbeat,” a Wire cover, isn’t as grinding as most Big Black material; this one is all about jagged, slashing guitar that’s rhythmic enough to approach chug, though unlike the Wire version, the effect is less a heartbeat than it is a jackhammer. Might as well point out that when he works himself up into a howling frenzy, Albini’s shredded vocal on here is startlingly Cobain-esque. Pre-Cobain. We’re on more familiar turf with the pounding, near-industrial relentlessness of “Things to Do Today,” but I’ll dock the band a few points for those tinny vocals, which don’t nearly pull their weight as they get overwhelmed by the muscular musical backing. Then, to wrap things up, it’s a quick burst of metallic rockabilly instrumental fun (“I Can’t Believe”), which, while tight, feels like a throwaway rehearsal jam. An impressively varied single, this, all of it heavy in different fashions… like a bully that can kick you around in new and creative ways every day of the week. Oh, and remember, you: It’s all compiled on The Rich Man’s Eight Track Tape, so that’s probably the most efficient way to get your mitts on this stuff.