Neil Hamburger - Hamburger Remembers Nixon

(I Don’t Feel A Thing, 2002)

On previous Neil Hamburger records, the joke has typically been the FAILURE or the PERVERSION of the joke itself. But on this commemorative single (sold in patriotic red, white, and blue vinyl editions at the Phoenix Greyhound Park on July 4, 2002), the joke is the utter LACK of any joke, as Hamburger gives a straight reading of excerpts from four famous Richard Nixon speeches over solemn background music. Even long-term fans who wink and giggle smugly at the comedian’s pathetic, sad-sack crowd-baiting / crowd-screwing will likely find themselves annoyed and confused by this one, and for that reason it is perhaps the ULTIMATE Neil Hamburger record. If a guy can make you shell out for – and LAUGH with – multiple intentionally lousy albums and singles, and he can then take it to the next level by pissing YOU off… well, that’s what you grudgingly gotta call true sand and true genius, friends.

And wait! What if you recognize all of this and STILL enjoy the record, enjoy getting spit on, like I apparently do…? Dunno. But that’s some real mess.

Neil Hamburger - Pays Tribute to Diana, Princess Of Wales

(Planet Pimp, 1997)

Rough day for ME. I was traveling out of Boston on one of those cheap Chinese buses late last night, and it broke down – possibly burning – in the eternal hell-state that is Connecticut. A replacement bus arrived several hours later, and I reached New York well after 5:00am, which pretty much made Monday a wash, as I spent most of it in bed. Still, I reckon that shitride was a whole lot better than the ride Princess Diana took on August 31, 1997, because at least I didn’t get ENDED on those dark ’n’ speedy roads. But if I had, would Neil Hamburger pay tribute to me, as he did to Di on this moving 7”? Maybe! After all, I do own one of the greatest collectibles of all time: a Frank Sinatra Trilogy LP signed by Neil himself… and if THAT doesn’t launch me into the commemorative-single star-o-sphere , I dunno WHAT does.

But enough about me. FOR NOW.

This one starts off with some mock-respectful Diana-centric jokes (“Did you hear the one about the paparazzi with a heart of gold? Yeah, he stole it from Princess Diana as she lay dying.”) that become less and less directly relevant as the set proceeds, finally degenerating into a tasteless reprise of the “Zipper Lips” routine. The whole thing’s a batch of solid and clever setup/punchline jokes that strikes a successfully awkward balance between natural-feeling and Hamburger-style shoehorning in order to hew to the overall theme. The “solemn” B-side – which, according to the sleeve, should be played “at least once a day” — is an extended “moment of silence” that doubles as a tribute to Sonny Bono when played at 78RPM. Feel free to use the enclosed tissue when listening to this side; there will be no other way to stop them dead-celeb-inspired tears from fallin’.

Neil Hamburger - Interview Neil Hamburger

(Drag City, 1996)

I’ve collected a few of these “open-ended interviews” through the years – offhand, I know that I own such recordings by luminaries ranging from the Beatles to Burt Reynolds – and I’ve always wondered how pathetic and ridiculous a DJ needs to be in order to actually conduct one of these phony conversations. Seems like real rock-bottom absurdity. Is there ANY way to maintain your pride after going on the air, reading from a label-provided script, and then pretending to react to pre-recorded answers? Sad and bizarre. So I guess that makes this vinyl micro-genre a natural fit for Neil Hamburger, who sent out promo copies of this 7”-plus-script package to radio stations in support of his America’s Funnyman album. There are a few witty responses/jokes from Neil, but most of the laughs exist in his tweaking of the format, as the record’s dead air bears little relation to the length of time you, the DJ, actually need in order to read the provided questions; as Neil gives insanely vague responses that make the interview semi-applicable to every possible city; and, best of all, as his spoken bits offer dirty anatomical innuendo when heard minus the script. Overall, a worthwhile obscurity that fits snugly into the larger Hamburger/Amarillo trash-mythos.

Neil Hamburger - Bartender, The Laugh's On Me!!!!

(Planet Pimp, 1995)

Comedian Neil Hamburger hits his stride on this one, locking into the bumbling, idiot-wiseguy mode of the classic America’s Funnyman album, his tortured punchlines happily tending toward the topical as he discusses race, Rush Limbaugh, and the O.J. Simpson trial in front of a hostile Modesto crowd. Further linking this recording to that LP, there’s even an extended, visual-gag cigarette joke that makes absolutely no sense on disk (and of course generates considerable canned laughter), which serves as a fine warm-up for the famed and equally nonsensical “X-Rated Hot Dog Vendor” bit soon to come. Technical malfunctions add to the yuks, with the final joke ending in over a minute of painfully shrill microphone feedback. One of his best records, and a perfect stylistic companion to the Funnyman alb – DEMAND a reissue today!

Neil Hamburger - Looking For Laughs

(Amarillo, 1994)

As it turns out, I am alive. Took a week off from reviews in order to “PARTY MY ASS OFF,” but now that April Fool’s Week is over, I’m buckling down again and focusing on these 7”s of mine. And what better way to follow up a week of hilarity than with a humorous laffdisc filled with LOL-style ha-ha? So: funnyman NEIL HAMBURGER!!

Present-day fans might be surprised by the tenor of this rare debut single, as early Hamburger records were more about showcasing an earnest, unfunny hack-comedian than the pathetic, beaten-down loser of recent years. Awful puns, inappropriate AIDS jokes, and lame observational humor, all delivered with idiotic chipperness, provide the bulk of the humor, rather than today’s familiar gruff anger, heavy sighs, and hoarse “fuck you”s. The B-side of “Looking for Laughs” is a softball celeb interview with the Golding Institute’s Ryan Kerr, discussing the making of, uh, “Looking for Laughs.” What makes this one a winner – and I apologize for ruining the joke – is that we find out at the very end that the track is simply a paid audio infomercial for the Iowa Council for the Prevention of Incontinence. Nicely done. Refreshingly lousy and lighthearted, it’s the non-musical version (and equal) of the Zip Code Rapists’ intentional swan dive into total failure.

Golding Institute - Sounds Of The International Airport Restrooms

(Planet Pimp, 1998)

A warm March Saturday is a day to make it CLEAN. CLEAN of tooth (minty), CLEAN of hair (luscious locks currently drying), CLEAN of threads (just back from laundromat), CLEAN of mind (Bible), CLEAN of dwelling (broom, etc.). So it’s fitting that this Golding Institute record comes with a free sanitary toilet-seat cover – CLEAN of cheek. Ryan Kerr and his team – a female and a slow-witted male co-host – are back to explore further exotic locales through field recordings, and this time it’s “The Sounds of the International Airport Restrooms,” with visits to the potties of Hawaii, South Korea, Indonesia, Singapore, Los Angeles, New Zealand, and Australia. Hilariously earnest narrations that casually mix touristy local color with unpleasant topics (venereal disease, human rights abuses) introduce the Institute’s ludicrous real-world tapes. We hear urine splashing, feces plopping, toilets flushing, throats clearing, and horrible bursts of tape distortion. The formula is similar to earlier Golding releases, but this one is funnier, more disturbing, and better executed than the two that precede it. It would also be the last Golding Institute record until 2006, when the ASTOUNDING Final Relaxation came out on Ipecac and promptly blew the rest of the catalog right outta the water. Billed as “your ticket to death through hypnotic suggestion” and “the most unusual album ever sold,” Final Relaxation is a lead pipe to the kneecaps of your comedy-expectations, and MUST BE BOUGHT NOW.

NOW!

Or: NOW!

Asshole slowguy: THEN!

Golding Institute - Sounds Of The San Francisco Adult Bookstores

(Planet Pimp, 1997)

With the Golding Institute series, Gregg Turkington gets to indulge his trash-record fetish with parodies of the bizarre spoken-word albums that clog America’s dustiest thrift store bins. “Sounds of the San Francisco Adult Bookstores,” like its two companion 7”s, takes on the world of documentary recordings in the painfully awkward – and funny! – fashion of most of Turkington’s work, with poor sound quality, strange pacing, and a straight-faced adherence to the conventions of the genre that’s strong enough to avoid betraying any overt wink to an unsuspecting listener. Boring tapes ostensibly recorded within adult bookstores – unidentifiable bumps and rustlings, a clerk making an inane phone call, nails being hammered, muffled conversation – are presented as titillating aural glimpses into the world of pornography by narrator “Ryan Kerr” (who also appears on the first Neil Hamburger single). The chasm between the naughtiness of the subject material and the mundanity of the actual field recordings makes for a disc cram-jammed with depressing absurdity. Sample narration: “What’s that vacuum cleaner doing? Wouldn’t you like to know, you dirty-minded bird.” It doesn’t get much more obscure than this in the Turkington discography, true, but laff-pals of conceptually solid Hamburger records like America’s Funnyman and Great Moments at Di Presa’s Pizza House oughta get a kick or two out of the Golding releases, all of which are truly proud achievements in the annals of dollar-bin fandom.